just call me seven

My Interview With Marriage-101
So, Neil from Citizen of the Month has instigated the Great Blogger Interview Experiment. Go read his post so you know what this is all about (I’ll wait).Back? Okay, so I interviewed Schmutzie, and Liz from Marriage-101 interviewed me. So here it is.
This was a great experience, and I would say, do it. It’s fun, plus who doesn’t love new blog fodder? Without any further ado, the interview:I know you’re a big movie buff. What is your all-time favorite movie and why? Or, if you blogged about this and I missed it, please tell me your all-time favorite actor/actress/director and why.

Ooh, that’s a hard one. I have a hard time picking a favorite… I love so many. Some of my favorites are typical girl movies, like Pride & Prejudice, You’ve Got Mail, Emma, etc. But one of my very favorites is The Kid. It’s such a powerful story about learning to let go of the hurts you’ve received, and learning to stop believing things that aren’t true. It was really eye-opening for me to see the character that Bruce Willis plays yelling at his younger self (played by Spencer Breslin) and telling him that he’s fat and stupid and pathetic. It strikes me as mean, but that’s exactly what I do to myself. I tell myself that I’m dumb and ugly and that nobody likes me, but that’s not true. Bruce Willis learns a lot about learning to love himself, and is able to let go of some of the wounds he received as a child, which in turn enabled him to love other people and stop being a jerk. So it ends on a hopeful note, and I love that.

What is your dream job?

My dream job… I’m still trying to figure that out. When I was younger and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always that I wanted to be a mom. And I know that when I am a mom, it will be my full-time job, because I believe that kids need to have their mom around. In the meantime, however, I do need to have a job. Right now I work for my parents doing bookkeeping for their company Oregon Cookies. I like the flexibility that it provides, since I get to work from home (yay for pajama work), but bookkeeping isn’t something that I really love… or even really like all that much. But I don’t really have any ideas about what else I’d like to do with my life. I like to make stuff, like earrings and other random things (see my website or my etsy store), but I’ve never sold anything, so it’s not really a viable means of generating income. So I guess I kind of have two dream jobs: 1) Motherhood, and 2) Makin’ stuff.

I see that you’re still single (which should be a crime!): what is your ideal boyfriend?

I have a lot of qualities I’m looking for. The first would be that he loves the Lord. I’m a Christian, so if he’s not, then we wouldn’t have the most important thing in common. The second would be that he has to be someone I could see myself marrying, because I’m not interested in scattering pieces of my heart all over Oregon. I’ve been on two dates in my life(both with guys I’ve been friends with for a long time and was not/am not now romantically interested in), and both times I was worried that things would become weird or awkward, or that we wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore. So I have decided that I really don’t want to put myself in that place unless it’s someone I could marry. And for someone I could marry, I have a really long list of things I’m holding out for, which I won’t post here. The long list is because I know myself, and when I have a crush on a guy, I don’t think clearly. I prayed about it, and thought on it quite awhile before I wrote it down, and I believe that someone out there fulfills the whole thing, and he’s going to be worth the long wait.

Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging on MySpace in 2005. I was living in a two-bedroom house with 3 other girls and I was the least busy, so I had a lot of free time. I’ve always been a homebody, and with no one else around, I had to find something to do. And you can only watch so many movies in a day, right? I guess I started blogging because I’ve always been able to think more clearly and communicate more eloquently when I’m writing or typing, as opposed to trying to make my squirrelly tongue say what I want it to. I’m pretty introverted, so when I talk to people, I’m easily flustered. I always end up feeling like I didn’t quite say what I meant to, or I wasn’t able to make the other person understand, and then I feel even more awkward than I already do at any given moment. (I hate feeling awkward… I hate watching other people feel awkward too. It’s like a physical pain, even just to watch.) So when I’m typing, I’m able to say what I actually mean to say, and I feel like I communicated something, rather than just being a fountain of weird noises that don’t make sense. Sometimes I read what I wrote, then go back and edit it before I publish, but for the most part I don’t need to. The simple fact that no one’s waiting on me to finish my sentence gives me immense freedom. So I can say things that I would never be able to say to someone’s face. And that relieves some of the pressure of all these thoughts that float around in my head. I only started this blog in November of 2007… I was hungry for something new, and I wanted to start fresh, to write something that I didn’t need to censor as much, since no one I knew even knew it existed.

I see that you’re 26 and in one of your posts, you didn’t seem to happy about it. Why? Did you think your life would be different at 26 from what it is?

I really am not one of those people who is always worried about becoming old. I think it just hits me every once in awhile. 25 was a hard birthday too, in that sense. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I sort of feel like maybe I should have my act together by now, like I should have a job that pays me enough to have my own house, or I should be married and have a couple kids, or something. When my parents got married, they were 23 and 19. My mom was 21 when she had me, and by the time she was my age she had 3 kids and another on the way. When I was little, I always used to think that I would probably be the same way, especially since my only ambition, career-wise, was to be a mother. So I guess sometimes I feel like my life is slipping away, and I haven’t even started living it yet. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do… what if I don’t ever get married? I’ll have to do something with my life. Even if I do get married, I would like to be a whole person who’s not just waiting for a husband to come complete me. But I have no idea how to do that, so I feel a little despondent. I don’t even know where to start, which makes me feel like I’m hopeless. So yeah, I feel a little bit depressed about how my life is right now. I wish it was something else, but I’m not sure what that something else should look like.

Do your friends/family know about your blog (and read it?)

My youngest brother knows about it and reads it. He is a computer geek (Hi, brother!) and he helps me if I want to do something that’s beyond my (very limited) scope of HTML knowledge. My little sister knows about it, and sometimes reads it. She has it on her little Google Reader thing, but she never checks it. My mom and dad know that it exists, I think, but I’m pretty sure they don’t read it, and I’m pretty sure neither of my other two brothers even know about it. None of my friends know about it, that I know of. I would only suspect one (maybe two) of them to be capable of finding it, but nobody has said anything yet, so who knows. It’s kind of freeing this way, though, which is why I haven’t told anyone about it. It’s not a secret, but… I’m not going to be spreading the word. If that makes any sense.

If you could meet anyone – dead or alive – who would it be?

Probably Jesus, but not in the way that means I die. I falter in my faith all the time, and sometimes I’m afraid that he doesn’t love me… that maybe I try so hard to be saved, but I’m not. It would mean a lot to be able to look in his eyes and ask him if he really does love me… I think it would help me keep on truckin’ when all I feel like doing is giving up. I don’t know if other Christians feel that way. Maybe they don’t, or maybe they’re just better at hiding it. All I know is I’m sick of putting on my game face, all the while dying inside.

What has been the happiest day of your life so far?

Hmm… man, this one’s hard. I am naturally a little pessimistic, so I tend to find the clouds amongst the silver linings. Maybe the day my soon-to-be roommates asked me if I wanted to live with them. They were all three living in this tiny little two-bedroom house, and my friend invited me over one night. He told me that they were going to have dinner and worship, and would I like to come? I wasn’t sure what it was all about… I thought that it was a married couple’s house, and they were having a dinner party or something. I asked him if it was really alright if I came, and he said, of course. So he gave me the address and I made it there, and then their neighbor came out while I was parking and told me not to park where I was. I was already a little nervous when I was driving over there, and that lady sure didn’t help. I made it to the door alright, and when I went inside, there was this crowd of people who were all just hanging around and talking, and the girls who lived there were in the kitchen cooking spaghetti to feed all of these people. I had met the girls a couple other times… my brother lived with my friend who invited me, so sometimes I’d stop by to see my brother and they’d be just leaving or whatnot. But I didn’t know them really at all, except for their names. So we all ate dinner, sitting on couches and the floor, and then one of the girls and my friend who invited me there busted out guitars and we all sang worship songs. A bunch of people left when we were done singing, but a bunch of us sat around on the kitchen floor and talked until midnight or so. The girls invited me to come back the next week (they did this thing every Tuesday), and I drove home. When I got home, I told my mom all about it and told her that that was the sort of place I’d like to live in someday. The next week, one of the girls called me on Tuesday afternoon to make sure that I was coming. I said yeah, and she sounded really excited. When I hung up, I was sort of like… huh. It didn’t seem like such a formal place that they needed to count who was going to be there… oh well. So I headed over at 7 or so, and after I’d been there for about a half an hour, they told me that they needed to talk to me, and ushered me into the back bedroom. I was really nervous… I’ve always hated that phrase. I was sure they were going to tell me my pants had a hole in the butt or that my fly was undone or something. We all sat on the bed that was in there, and they all looked like they were about to burst. I said, What is it? And they were so excited that they took turns saying one word at a time: We. Were. Thinking. About. Adding. Another. Roommate. What. Do. You. Think? And I said, You want me to live with you? And they all nodded and giggled, and I giggled a little bit too. Then I told them that I would have to think about it, and make sure that I could afford it and stuff, and I told them I’d give them an answer next week. The next week I told them I’d move in, and I moved in the following Saturday. It was a really fast journey from barely knowing them to living with them, but the years I spent in that house were precious, and they’re all such very dear friends now. The original three all eventually moved out, one by one, and each time God would bring just the right person. All told, 9 girls, including me, lived in that house. And it all started with that one night of excited girls giggling out one word at a time. (Man, that’s a long paragraph.)

What was the saddest?

Probably the day my (now sister-in-law) roommate told me she was moving out of our house. She told me via voicemail when I was stranded in the Las Vegas airport, and the next day I found out that my brother asked her out. I was sure we weren’t going to be friends anymore, that my brother was going to steal her away, and I was right for a time. Our relationship grew to be really rocky and painful. I had been really close to my brother, and really close to her, but once they started dating they hung out with each other instead of me, and it hurt. I handled it badly, and so did they, but I think those wounds have healed. We’re really close friends again now, but man… those days were dark.

What do you think is the coolest thing about blogging?

I’ve mentioned it before, but I think for me the coolest thing about blogging is ease with which words pour out of me. It won’t happen if I ever meet you in person, but I’m able to spill my guts with such honesty and clarity when I type or write that it’s therapeutic. I think it helps me process to see it all in black and white in front of me, too. I’ve always kept some sort of journal or diary sporadically, but I type much faster than I write, which helps me get my thoughts out, because I think faster than I can write. I think faster than I can type too, but at least it’s faster to type than write. I think that even if someday I want to keep some sort of private journal that no one’s allowed to read, it will probably just be a text document that will grow until it crashes my computer or something, because it kills my hand to write as much as I would like to.

Thanks so much, Liz, for your questions. It’s nice to be asked stuff instead of just having to think of something to say.


3 Comments so far
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[…] Seven interviews Marriage 101 […]

Pingback by Citizen of the Month » The Blogger Interviews (The Great Interview Experiment)

Yay! Thanks for playing along and answering my questions so well!

And the meeting Jesus answer? Rad. He’s who I would pick too.

Comment by Marriage-101

Yes, I do read your blog. I love you! And for what it’s worth, I can’t see any reason why anyone in the world would not love you. Problems and all, you are precious.

Comment by Michael

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