just call me seven


My Life Is A Perfect Graveyard of Buried Hopes.
17 December 2007, 11:08 pm
Filed under: Even My Issues Have Issues, Miss Doom & Gloom

So. I have issues. The problem is, I find myself unable to really get a grasp on what these issues actually are. I feel like if I could separate and define each one, I might be able to wrap my head around what they are, but every time I start to get ahold of one of them, it floats away like dandelion fluff, and winds and tangles around the rest of them like spaghetti with no oil on it. I hate that they’re all interdependent on each other… I am insecure –> because I feel unlovable –> because I feel unattractive and unable to do the right thing… You see what I mean? It’s like every time I peel back a layer and say, “Ha! Now I know what the problem is! I’m insecure!” I find another layer that needs to be dealt with in order to solve the first problem. But to solve the second problem, lo and behold, there’s a third problem that needs to be fixed first. And so and so on, ad infinitum. So am I made up of only layers upon layers of problems and fears and insecurities? Or will there come a time when I can actually start working on one issue that’s not conditionally related to another one?

There’s this jumble inside me of gloom and apathy and irritation… and I don’t know what to do with any of it. I feel purposeless… but when I wrack my brain for something I could aim for, I find nothing. I feel passionless… I can’t remember the last time I was actually passionate about something. I feel powerless… like I’ll never be able to grow and reach something better that just living in the metaphorical dirt.

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